When It’s Out of Your Hands: Dealing with Disappointment Beyond Your Control

We’ve all felt it—that deep, sinking feeling in your stomach when something doesn’t go the way you had hoped it would. Perhaps it’s the end of a relationship, a job opportunity that fell through, or a health diagnosis that changes life as you know it. Or maybe in the moment, life simply isn’t unfolding the way you’d imagined it would, and you're left struggling with a reality you never would’ve chosen for yourself.

Disappointment, especially when it stems from things beyond our control, can be so destabilizing. It’s not just the loss of an outcome—it’s the loss of agency, of trust in the process, and often, of a version of life we were deeply counting on. When you've done everything "right" and things still don’t work out, it can leave you feeling powerless. Like no matter how hard you try, it won’t matter in the end anyway, so why bother? And that kind of helplessness isn’t just discouraging, it’s like a parasite that eats away at your self-worth, your motivation, and even your hopes and dreams for the future.

Unlike disappointment that stems from your own choices—where guilt and shame might rise to the surface, but there's still room to reflect, learn, and course correct, disappointment that blindsides you takes away your sense of control. You're left facing outcomes you didn’t choose, carrying emotions you didn’t ask for, and trying to make sense of a reality that suddenly feels unfair. It can be paralyzing.

But even in that paralysis, there's a quiet truth, so quiet in fact, that it might take you a long time to hear it… You may not have control over what happens, but you do get to choose what you carry forward with you. Letting go of the disappointment might take time. It might take a thousand baby steps, and those steps might not all be going forward. But this is where resilience is born. In rising through our challenges, we reclaim our agency.

So how do we begin to peel away at the layers of disappointment to uncover the joy beneath?

First, Give Yourself Permission to Feel It

As a society we are taught to always slap a silver lining on pain, minimizing our own heartache in an effort to “stay positive.” But disappointment deserves space. While others may not be able to hold space for you, it is important that you are able to hold space for yourself. It's okay to mourn what could’ve or should’ve been. It’s okay to be angry, confused, or frustrated. These feelings don’t make you weak, they make you human. Personally, I think being vulnerable and openly wearing it is a superpower.

TRY THIS:
Set a timer for 10 minutes and let yourself feel without fixing. Sit quietly, no distractions, just you and whatever emotions come up. If tears come, let them flow. If anger bubbles up, acknowledge it. If nothing comes, that’s okay too. This isn’t about solving anything. It’s about allowing your emotions to exist without judgment. When the timer ends, take a few deep breaths and then gently move forward with the rest of your day.

Separate What You Feel From What You Know

Disappointment can cloud your clarity. It can make you feel like a failure, even when the facts say otherwise. When you internalize something that was out of your control, you risk turning temporary pain into long-term shame.

TRY THIS:
Grab a sheet of paper and create two columns:

• “What I Know to Be True”

• “What I’m Afraid Might Be True”

Do a brain dump. Write down everything that comes to mind, but write honestly when it comes to which column you place them in. This will help you distinguish between fear-based assumptions and facts grounded in truth. It also gives your inner critic a little less power.

Reclaim Your Sense of Agency

One of the hardest parts of disappointment is the feeling of helplessness it often brings with it. But even when big picture things are out of your hands, you still have a choice in how you respond, and that is how you take your power back.

TRY THIS:
Choose one small action each day that supports your healing. That might mean setting a boundary, working towards a new goal, taking a nap, phoning a friend, or simply going for a walk. A series of small, but consistent acts of self-care add up to a lot of healing over time .

Rewrite the Narrative

Disappointment tends to whisper lies in your ears, that spread through your entire body like a virus, “You messed this up. You’re not good enough. No one likes you” But more often than not, the truth is that you did the absolute best you could, but the end result simply didn’t match the effort.

TRY THIS:
Ask yourself: “If someone I loved were going through this, what would I say to them?” Say those words to yourself. Out loud. Often. Over and over again until you believe them.

Stay Connected

Disappointment can cause you to self-isolate. Believe me, I speak from experience. Not only am I the self-proclaimed “Queen of One More Thing”, but I am also the queen of self-isolating on my darkest days. Sometimes life feels like you're the only one who can’t keep it together, while everyone else is thriving. But behind every curated square on social media or every brave face you lock eyes with in person, is a person likely grieving a closed door of their own too.

Try this:
Reach out to a trusted friend… even if you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying, “I’m not okay today” is enough to remind you that you're not walking this road alone. Let them help shoulder the load. After all, you would do it for them, wouldn’t you?

One More Thing…

Disappointment doesn’t always come with closure. Sometimes the door shuts without warning or explanation. Sometimes the door is ajar, and you just can’t push it all the way open. But you’re still here. And that means there's more joy to uncover, more people to meet, more projects to tackle, more to accomplish, and a whole lot more life to live. You are so much stronger than you realize.

Peace and Love,

Kyndra

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